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Why do I write?

As long as I can put my ideas into writing, I know I’m still living.

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I write just about everything and anything. My thoughts come like rain, unpredictable. So I make sure when they come, I always have a way of writing them. I use my phone or laptop. Lots of Notebooks everywhere. Bond papers or sticky notes. Receipts or tickets. And my palm. 😉 I may not be the best in this but I fell in love with writing. They say, ‘Some things are better left unsaid’, well I don’t know if I agree or disagree but as long as I can put my ideas into writing, I know I’m still living. I’m still a work-in-progress so I think this place is a perfect platform to share my thoughts and learn from the best ones. That’s it! 🙂

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Am I the only one seeing Christmas differently?

Some say “It’s the Season of Giving” but am I the only one seeing it as “The season of showing off”? Or I also like to call it “The Reason Season”. This is not a hate post, I used to be excited about Christmas too. I am a Filipino, and yes, we do take Christmas seriously. In the Philippines, as soon as the calendar hits September 1st, it means Christmas is coming. People just start to think and talk about Christmas stuff. But it does not end at December 25th. It extends up until a few weeks of the next year, if not months. I always thought it is special. It is. Until it wasn’t. I grew up, then my eyes were opened. Hear me out.

The Season of Showing Off

I used to be one of those people who get so excited about the season because of the new things I’m surely going to have. It feels good, right? Especially if you can show it off to people who doesn’t even care about it because they have new things way cooler than what you have. It was fun having a bunch of new things during the season but when I started to work and earn for a living, I came to realize that it is really not necessary to have a new clothing, a new gadget or any other random stuff just because it’s Christmas. And because my annoying self just notices alot of things, I also knew people would sacrifice a big portion of the year’s earning and have a blast for just one holiday. I just think now that it’s unwise. Don’t get me wrong, it is totally okay to celebrate. Just be wise. Take it from me who had to learn some things the hard way. I guess I’m now mature enough to not have a blast on Christmas (or any other holiday or even on a normal day) and still have something left enough for important things.

The Reason Season

Is it just me or people are making Christmas as an excuse to ask, if not force, someone to give them something even if 1) the person being asked is not willing to give that something for whatever reason 2) the person who asks does not deserve it. “Can you give me this? You know it’s Christmas anyway.” That just sounds so irritating to me. You maybe thinking this is the selfish side of me, maybe it is. But as for me, when I see something I like to give someone and I know that person will be happy about it, I wholeheartedly give it regardless if it’s Christmas or not. My point is, people demand unnecessary things from other people who might have other serious things to deal with than some stupid stuff the other person asks. What’s even more annoying is that they validate it by pointing out, “It’s Christmas” as if they we’re saying “You can’t be selfish.”

What concerns me more is that children are getting used to these. I know I’m lucky enough to realize that Christmas is more than gift-giving, a bunch of new things or having a table full of mouth-watering dishes. It’s much more than that. If people knew what it really means,  people wouldn’t be so grand about that one day alone. Rather, it would feel Christmas all throughout the year. Christmas, whether you celebrate it or not, like any other holiday is for the things that truly matter. I hope you find it this season.

!Feliz Navidad a todos!

Grief is never-ending

Death. You deal with death just like how you deal with birth. You grieve over death just as much as you celebrate birth. Why do I say so? Because the truth is, when you get to the situation of having a loved one pass away, it’s never-ending. And I just hate the fact that death is so entitled of your past, present and, even if you don’t want to, your future. It snatches a huge part of your past then eventually it makes you forget to live in the present, sad part is, it has already taken so much of your future without you noticing.

Grief. Grief, for me, is not an absolute negativity. It lies in between negativity and positivity. Once you get to face grief, it claims a permanent spot in your life just as how birth claims the same spot. There you are, left with your longing. You grieve on the day of your wedding that your mom can not help you prepare for or of your father that cannot walk you down the aisle. You grieve each year you celebrate your birthday without them. You grieve on the day you got your job and the day you got your first pay. You grieve every time you visit a new place you picture it would have been a vacation with them. You grieve out of every milestone you get to celebrate without them and believe me, you do, too, out of every anger, failure and sadness they don’t get to share with you.

Acceptance that they will no longer feel the same pain you’re feeling when you’re broken is a little comforting. Acceptance that your grief in never invalid. No matter how you feel about it and how you deal with grief, it’s totally fine because we all deal with it differently. We deal with grief just as how we deal with everyday life, for some, it’s always a struggle while for some it might be average and know that some people can deal with it just like a piece of cake. We all are different so we respond to it differently.

People think of it as something that needs be forgotten or get over with but that’s a lie. Once you grieve, you deal with it. You live with it. Because for me, the only time you will ever get over a death is if the person does not matter anymore. You’ll agree with me when I say that it’s the life that ends when someone dies, not the love. Not your affection. Not your longing. Not your grief.

Live. Even if it means you’ll have to start over.

…humans never stop being scared. And while you’re alive, you too shouldn’t stop living. 

I quitted my job. And when I say I quitted, I can’t say it was a proper exit. It was a plan for months and I just didn’t find enough courage to finally do it. It was because I loved my job. In fact, it was the longest time I stayed in a company since I started working. And for months I am trying to convince myself that this is still the same job I loved. I think I did my best within the past ten months to love the same job I used to love since day one. I did hope that love would find it’s way back. Sadly, it didn’t or maybe I just liked the idea of me having loved this job but reality is, I’m not capable of loving it again. So one day, I just decided to stop.

It might sound like this is no big deal but it really hit me so hard. At first I would do everything I can not to miss a day even if I’m not feeling well, the next thing I know, I’ve been dragging myself to go to work everyday for the past nine or ten months. It was yet the most haunting torture I experienced and I swear I am never going to let myself be a prisoner of something I am not happy about. I could have done something much more valuable in the last nine or ten months than staying in a job that feeds me but is killing me from the inside.

Frankly, those months doesn’t feel like I exist. I’m a dead soul inside a living body. I knew I’m not meant to merely exist in this realm, I’m meant to actually live. So I lived. Even if it meant I’ll have to start over. But nobody said starting over is horrifying. I think that’s just a way of Life testing how far you can go. Some things will just try to crush to to bits. You will doubt many things, worst, you’ll doubt your decisions. Not to mention the anxiety you have thinking about how soon you’ll get another job, how much money you have left and when you finally find the job, the environment, the people and the job itself scares you. But I survived.

Now I have a new job, surrounded with beautiful people. Had I not quitted my job before, I wouldn’t have found this job that includes something I forever love, books. ❤

The thing is, humans never stop being scared. And while you’re alive, you too shouldn’t stop living. There’s beauty in starting over. It may be in different forms but life has it’s own way of surprising us. Even if, admit it, it sucks. 🙂